Tits, Tatts, and Spunk.
My Face & Stuff
I feel an overwhelming sadness that I just can not shake. Nothing is going perfect, and it just makes me upset. I just want things to be simple at the very least, if not perfect. The loneliness is killing me.
Having that pain in my back in the same place that I ended up in the hospital. If I don’t make it through the night remember me for my kindness, not my scandalousness.
I just want to be someone’s priority.
Someone to be there for me, not only when it’s convenient for them
The smell of rain is in the air, and I’m sitting here still alone. We could have shared this night. With my favorite smell in the air. Where the world is washed clean. Don’t you know that I would have done anything for you. But you can’t even take 2 seconds to tell me you’re too busy for me.
I get it.
The string you’ve been pulling me along with is about to break. Yea, you like to pop in and out, make me feel like you actually care. But I see it now. I’m just entertainment. Pictures, videos, dirty talk, poems. You feel loved, but where does that leave me.
I want more then a fuck, more then a text. Intimacy is what I crave. It’s so hard for me to get close to people. I don’t want to be close to most people, I don’t trust them. But I want to trust you. Why? I don’t know. I feel like a masochist because I see there’s no way you actually love me. But here I am. Wanting your affection, craving it.
The trick is to keep breathing. Just keep breathing. Maybe next time around I’ll get what I want.
“Love makes you desperate
And feeling a fool
Love makes you ruthless
And love makes you cruel
And love makes you crazy
With nothing but lies
Love promises nothing
And then your love dies ”
I hate waiting. I want instant gratification. I want everything that was ever promised to me. And I want it now. I want to be happy and beautiful. I want to be appreciated by my partner, my job, myself and my family. I’ve always been alone, even in a crowd. But there has always been that one person who knows me better then I know myself. Push them away in the past because I couldn’t believe anyone could love me. Especially knowing the most terrible parts of. But you exist and you always say it’ll happen when the time is right. I don’t want to sit here and wonder how you are. I want you in my life. Being my friend, lover, and happiness. Making me feel the one thing I always wanted to feel. I just want to be loved.
Out of the millions and millions of people in NYC I want the one person I obviously will never have. I have this terrible habit of loving the things that are the worst for me. If it makes life more complicated then apparently I’ll fall in love.
I feel as though I can never get ahead. Financially, emotionally, physically, and otherwise. I try my hardest to be confident and positive but the universe is constantly testing me and I’m passing by the skin of my teeth.
When will I thrive?
I save and I’m careful with my money and I’m still always struggling. Tickets, taxes, car problems. It never ends. I give my mother money and help her, but who helps me? If I can’t help myself then why don’t I have someone there to help me like others do? I know not everyone has that, but I’m just sick of feeling so alone and struggling.
Last night was a fun escape that I wish could have lasted forever. Next weekend I actually have an entire 2 days off and I want to go out to a bar and get drunk and laugh and forget all the horrible things that happen to me on a daily basis. I want to forget who I am, and that I over-think and over-analyze. I want my brain to relax.
I want to be able to relax, instead of constantly calculating and organizing and planning. I want someone to surprise me and show me they care. Romance, a grandiose gesture.
Dream the impossible dream.
